Friday, June 24, 2011
Divine Intervention
I've started reading the newest book by The Duggars.I know so many people don't like them. But I mainly think that's because they see all those kids and immedietly think there must be something wrong with them. I'm not saying I agree with them on everything- all I know is that they have some of the most wonderful, well adjusted, wonderfully mannered kids on the planet. Period. Say what you will about them but they are doing their jobs to the best of their ability, and doing a bang up job of it.
Back to the Duggars in a bit.
So I have serious anger issues. Not like the normal people kind. Nooo... most people would describe their anger as something that wells up inside them. That doesn't happen to me.
On bad days- days not on my pills- every day before taking my pills- there was a darkness that surrounded me. And it grew bigger. It spread towards me and outwards.I was in the middle of it. And its stifling. It's disabilitating. It's suffocating. To the point where everyone and everything anywhere near me got snapped at or felt the wrath (rar). Oooh! It was like a tornado I suppose. The closer you got the worse it was.
It takes an unbelievable amount of energy - it is quite literally physically exauhsting not being taken over by the darkness that surrounds me. There is not one person, not a single person I've met who understands that and who could describe anger that way.
When I get suggestions- from therapists, etc- my first reaction is to tune them out. Mainly because I'm already trying to keep the darkness from taking over and shifting, moving, blinking, to let any other suggestions in - well the whole thing would just take advantage and suffocate me. I also put up a barrior because listening to opinions and suggestions from people who just don't understand and claim to is, in a way, degrading. Why would I take your suggestions when you have no clue what it's like.
I've tried your methods- I have. I've tried to find that Zen place. I've tried counting to 10. You name it, I've tried it.
It is harder than I am able to express in words to be stifled by this darkness all the time and then to on top of it function like a normal human being.
It's not as easy as "hey you need friends" or "hey you should get out of the house." It's more difficult for me than other people.
I'm really not trying to make excuses so I don't have to take my dorky self out into society and make friends.
I'm saying when you can understand just how much this sucks and the difficulties it brings then your suggestions and opinions will matter and be heard.
Maybe all I want is not for people to truly understand all that- just to accept how ridiculously hard I'm working every second of the day. You can't see it. Most people have no idea this is all going on.
Wow, I sound super crazy right now lol.
On top of all that it is vital to me that I train my kids not to be selfish douchebags. Like everyone else on the planet. Ok, not everyone- most.
I mean there is not one person walking on the sidewalk when I take my kids to the local outdoors mall that scooted over just a hair. No, we always got pushed aside. Because most people don't realize it's hard to move 2 preschoolers and a stroller with as much ease as you by yourself. So when my kids are running around, being kids, and accidently run in front of someone I get super annoyed that they're not paying attention to their surroundings. I know I shouldn't- they're just kids. But it's like I have to be double sure they're using manners- once for them and once for you. Because it's painfully obvious you're too much of a douchebag to do your part in the way of manners.
So wrapping around to the Duggars.
Having to juggle all that and not get taken over by anger and such, like I said, means your opinion and suggestions mostly get flicked away. I heard them. It makes it a lonely place because I'm surrounded by people who are not talking to me about all this- but down to me. With no knowledge of how this feels yet still feel they can give suggestions. At least that's how I percieve it.
It's lonely because I can't find anyone to get it. I don't want opinions- I want a completely unjudgemental ear to absorb. Take in and not put out.
Lets face it though, as humans we are incapable of doing that. I know I am- dear god I know I am to the max incapable of doing that.
So there was a small chapter in the new Duggar book called Anger Resolution.
Oooh! Stop. Read.
I'm not very shy about the fact that I'm not Christian. I can completely respect Jesus, and think he's awesome, and if you're going to follow anyone- following someone that patient and loving, and giving would be the way to go. It's just I don't believe he's God/son of God/etc.
But that doesn't matter and I don't want to talk about all that.
The thing is I need help. I cannot train my children the way I want to, properly, and keep this darkness at bay by myself. And humans are just too opinionated and by nature "fixers". I don't want, I don't need a fixer. I need a never ending closet that I can just pile junk into and shut the door. Somewhere to put stuff in and never take out.
If I just "let it go"- its still out there in the universe (ok, hippie r-tard talk I know but I'd be a big fat liar if I said this wasn't how I thought and felt). If its still floating around, out there in the universe I can't push it away far enough that it won't come back.
It will, and always does, come back.
So I need a body guard to take and take and take and not let it out. And not to check up on me to see how I'm doing. Not give me updates on the status of the crap I'm putting in the "closet of doom" (which is what I've just decided to call it).
And that job it much too big for one person- hell for a group of persons- to handle. It won't work.
So last night when I read how the following helped Michelle Duggar, and she shared the Bible passage- I too really got it and I right away thought "that's it! Duh! The answer's been in front of me the whole time!"
"A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger."
Like Michelle Duggar used to, I too say harsh words to my kids, "or responded quickly and abruptly, with out thinking.
Reading on about her first test, right after reading that passage- about how her kids weren't listening and normally she (we) would have probably yelled and something like "why can't you guys *listen*???"- about that she says:
"I drew a breath. this is not what I need right now, I said to myself. I couldn't even get to the mop without walking thlrough the pinapple juice. Then another voice came into my head: I'm giving you grace to do what's right. Are you going to have the right response?.... Don't think my anger was under control just because I didn't yell at him. That wasn't it at all. The attitude of my heart at that moment was, Okay, Lord (pant, pant, pant), I'm about to explode right now. This is absolutely more than I can handle on my own, but I know You're helping me. So I'm gonna do what You say; with your help, I'm gonna stay calm, and speak in that soft, low voice."
It was the word "help" that really got to me.
Growing up Catholic, I was always taught that God is always there.
Hey! God is always there! Duh! I don't have to believe Jesus is God, I don't even have to believe in any God- but I have to, for my sanity, believe he's always there.
The words I say in frustrations- words so many of us say- "Lord help me" are no longer just words. I am asking for help. I cannot do it alone. I hate admitting that. But I cannot do it alone.
God is the perfect solution. Because he can take and take and take and take and give me anymore- no opinions, suggestions or anything else until I'm ready- if ever.
That is a task I could never put on anyone. Though believe me my husband has tried- and how I appreciate his devotion and him wanting to help. I appreciate it more than I think he knows. But shifting all this junk from one person to another just doesn't work.
So I need, more than ever, to believe that god is always there. Because lord knows I cannot do it on my own.
Cannot.
So I'm starting fresh. And I will still be trying as hard as I can, but maybe now it won't be as difficult.
Tuesday, June 21, 2011
Pupppy Monster
On this day 4 years ago some one awesome lost his son in a drowning accident.To "donate" to someone who needs it, or to just send your wishes please go to Avitable.com
And then go hug your kids.
And again.
